Monday, January 4, 2010

Grocery shopping is hard.

I hate it. I go to the grocery store and the only thing I want to do is leave immediately. I wander the aisles and think about how much work it's going to take to prepare and cook the food I see. The first week out of my parents' house, I bought virtually nothing but Oreos, candy bars and mac and cheese. Speaking of which, am I the only person who thinks that the theme-shaped Kraft Macaroni & Cheese tastes way better than the normal kind? I've always thought this. I used to insist on grocery shopping with my mother when I was younger (16) just so that I could ensure she bought the "wheels" kind. That and butterscotch chips, like for cookies. I'd just eat them out of the bag. I should have weighed 400 lbs. That first day doing my own shopping I scoured the shelf for my beloved wheels but found nothing, and I returned to my apartment sadly with a box of Spongebob Macaroni & Cheese. Fortunately for me, Spongebob noodles are a savory cheesy delight. I returned the next week for more Spongebob and of course they were out, so I left the store with a Spiderman box. Also good. This led me to decide I would rank the most delicious kinds of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese:

1. Wheels
2. Spongebob
3. ??? (I know there was a kind I had as a kid, not as good as Spongebob but better than Spiderman)
4. Spiderman
6. Regular

I put regular at number 6 because it's mostly gross and not worthy of 5th. Does this imply I would eat nothing before I would eat regular? No, it does not. I would just be angry and stir the noodles very hard.

Oreos were easier. There's never any shortage of them. Even now that I've cut back on copious sugary treats on my shopping visits, I always like to have a package of Oreos on hand. I used to dip them in the milk, and I'd sit there and wait until the part around my fingers started to dissolve before slopping them into my mouth. I spilled everywhere, and sometimes I'd wait a second too long and the Oreo would disintegrate into my milk. I always panicked, cause disintegrated Oreos float right to the bottom and soggy things are disgusting. So I usually drank the whole thing right there quickly and got more milk. This became such a problem that now I put the Oreo in my mouth and drink some milk and let the whole thing melt right there on my tongue. It's delicious and in no way conducive to tooth decay. Some people prefer Double Stuf Oreos, though I'm not sure I understand why. I mean, you get more of the white stuff, but the entire Oreo concept is predicated on the balance of white stuff to black stuff, and Double Stuf just completely upends this balance. It's madness. And I've seen those green-fringed "diet" Oreos lurking in the shadows. Horrifying. I bet they taste like fish.

Anyway, now I'm on a budget. I found out that my monthly food costs for myself was as much as my cousin's, which includes him, his wife and two small children. I'm eating for four people! I'm the reason the Arabs hate America! And now that I'm facing some very hefty upcoming expenses, I've got to cut my food costs by at least half. That means rice and beans. That's right, I'm going full third world. I've done it before, I swear I can do it again. But I'm still going to buy Spongebob and Oreos.